Telegraph

It's amazing to me the difference between how I perceive myself and how others perceive me. I've spent years feeling like the emotions I feel are either BIG or little. I never felt like I had medium, or normal, sized emotions. I experience frustration or rage not anger. I also feel like I telegraph these things out to the people around me.

As a result I spent time working on controlling these outward appearances. Worked hard to learn to pause before I speak when I'm angry, breathe deep and gain control when I'm sad. These things took a long time to learn and longer to master and honestly I don't always feel like I'm where I'd like to be with them. Then suddenly something will happen where I feel the total opposite way.

"You have an excellent poker face." It's a great thing to hear tipping back a few beers while playing cards. Hell, hearing it in the business world I crack a smile. I don't want to be an easy read, mystery is intriguing and not revealing your hand in business or gambling can make all the difference in the world. I wonder too how much of that poker face is from all the hours playing cards with my father and grandfather, I still loose more than win but hey. But sometimes you want people to know what you're thinking, what your feeling. Sometimes you want your intentions to be clear.

I generally dislike direct statements. I'm not going to be doing therapeutic "I statements" anytime soon. "I feel scared when you scream at me" And all I can think is, yeah no shit. And that's about the reaction such statements have garnered for me when I have tried them. But I don't do them sorta across the board. It's unlikely I tell someone whether I like or dislike them. I'm not one to "ask out" someone. But I feel like I telegraph these things anyway, my emotion and thought is palpable in the room for me so I simply ass-u-me that it is to others as well.

In spoken and written word I think I come across very clearly with what I am trying to convey. I've been blessed with that skill set and couldn't be happier for that. But face to face most of our communication is not in words but in "body language". But when someone that knows me really well tells me that I'm not so easy to read in this venue I have to accept that they are in a much better position to see this than I am.

So what to do? Start making declarative, direct statements, unlikely. It simply isn't me. Maybe learning to be more clear is something I can do over time. Until then I simply hope that people that know me can translate the little touches, the little oblique comments, the tones.

I don't regret my "poker face". I am glad that my anxiety doesn't show through in spite of the fact I feel like I am shaking so bad it borders on vibrating and I'm sure I look ill. I am thankful that I can feel seething rage and not have the whole world wonder when I'm going to finally crack. Yes, it also means that people have a hard time telling the difference between a "date" and coffee with a friend. Yes, it means that only people with whom I have an intimate connection know when I need that reassuring word, or a pick-me-up hug. So yes, I trade some level of connectivity with the general population in exchange for this safeguard, this armor.

Do I want to be known, of course. I believe that it is one of the great human needs and wants in this world. To be known, to be seen as who and what we are, this is what we crave. Without being known we feel small, alone, unimportant. But I don't want to be known by a large group of people, I want to be truly and deeply known by a few outstanding people. Maybe the subtlety of my "tells" is not obvious or loud enough for most. Maybe I loose out on some great people as a result. But I know that those that see me, that hear me.... I know these people understand a depth of my being that is exceptional.