Clueless

Soft echoes of haunting rooms
Thin sheets of bent emotion
Worn thus on edges of mist
Thick hanging regrets upon the hatpost
A shadow filled lightless space
Devoid of shoulds and coulds
Release is a pen
Held in suspension
Just before the ink
Taints the page

Sometimes my head just fills with words, thoughts, ideas. I don't usually write them out. Today I happen to be sitting in-front of the computer anyway so, why not. Most of it isn't poetic at all. Once upon a time words in that format flowed from my brain as readily as water from a faucet. My head doesn't seem to flicker that way much any more. Honestly, I think I've dulled my mind with tv and internet. So goes life.

Milk Mathmatics

There is a popular belief that what men want out of relationships is sex (or sexual intimacy if we're feeling generous). Women on the other hand are said to want emotional support and intimacy out of relationships.

"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

This is the sage wisdom told to women who are "too" free with their sexuality and struggle to find a partner. But I think it works both ways.

Here's the bottom line. I think that relationships are much like a free market system. I remember they used to have sites where you could name your own price for things and wait and see if anyone bit at that price. In some ways this is how sex and emotional intimacy work. It is a barter with most people. Sexual act A grants B degree or amount of emotional intimacy or B degree or amount of intimacy grants A sexual act as the case may be. This usually is based on who "has hand" at the present time.

Except there are a handful of a certain type of individual that flip this equation on its head. Woman who are free with their sexuality, who do not make men pay the toll of emotional intimacy for sex. Men who offer emotional support with out demanding sex before or as payment for. Yes, these types are rare.

Now, to be fair, I assign a moral judgment to my gender. Oddly I do not have this same judgment cross gender. But for me it is morally wrong for me to withhold emotional support. I should support, care, be emotionally there from the moment I count you as friend. And even before that for some cases. I think that men who trade emotional support for sex are asshats.

I think it is rare for two atypicals to connect. I just don't think there are many of us. There was a research study done (I can't find it at the moment) but what it found was that most men found physical infidelity worse than emotional infidelity where women found them to be equal with a very slight amount more saying emotional infidelity is worse. Now I could make an evolutionary psychology argument for this but who cares. I have found that I find both equally painful. However, the line for physically infidelity is one less blurred for me. Emotional infidelity is tricky to spot, it means I care for and ostensibly love the other person to the same amount or in the same way as you. This is hard to find. I think this is why women are hard pressed to say strongly that the emotional is worse. Because you never are quite sure he loves her just like he loves you until you find out low and behold he is sleeping with her too. That some how signs and seals that the emotional infidelity was there. A blurry line as I said. I also think that it is normal and perhaps even good that we love our friends. As such I am hard pressed to find a clear line with emotional infidelity though I know it exists.

I think that atypicals are hard on each other. Imagine a woman who is free with her sexuality. She will spend a lot of life not only being judged but hearing "why would he buy the cow when he can get the milk for free." Her emotional needs go unfilled because she doesn't see sex as a big deal and she doesn't want to wield it as a weapon. But when she finds people that she connect with emotionally, BIG deal. And so what, sex is sex. Separate. And so she continues with sex as not a big deal and being free, liberated. But the emotional intimacy is a big deal. huge in fact. These people are special. There may only be a small handful in her whole lifetime. Often, the other side of atypicals is in the same position. Emotional intimacy is easy. They care easy, they love big. But physicality is a rare the thing, again maybe a handful in his whole lifetime. And I think this difference in world views makes connections between these two elements high octane. But oddly, I think they are good for one another. They may try and test one another. But in the end they force one another to grow. And in the end they have what the other needs, with out reservation. She can come to him, no matter the time, no matter the situation, and she can know that he will emotionally support her. And he can come to her, no matter the time, no matter the situation and get physical intimacy. But they will wound each other nearly as easily. She will have others and that will pain him. And he will support and care/love others, and this will hurt her. And neither will really quite get why or how they have injured the other. In his mind he obviously cares about her more or in a unique and special way. He sees it clear in the openness physically, sees it in the custom fit of emotional support and not just the general support anyone can get. And she feels the same way, obviously he's special, she's opened up her heart and mind to him. And this is a space rarely shared and offered. And sex is not that big a deal.

I'm not sure the resolution to this equation. I'm not so sure that there is one. I think it, like most relationship equations is a minefield that simply must be walked and risked.

Twist

I tend to do two things here. The first is to start to write a post then get distracted or loose my thread and stop. As such, I have a million threads started but few posts. The second is that I go through old posts and threads not posted to see if I have brought up a thought before.

And this leads me to this post. Instead of finishing up one of my terribly negative threads I have entered into this post with the hope of something a touch more positive. I'm not sure if I've written about it before and honestly, if I have, I could use going back through it again anyway.

I spend/spent a lot of time thinking about what makes me happy, and what seems to make others happy. One of the things I noticed is that we all seem really stuck on this idea of home. Now for most people it is a place they go to at the end of the day. For some it is an idea that hasn't made it into the world yet but someday, someday, they'll build it and decorate it and fill it with stuff. Now don't get me wrong, I love my stuff. And I appreciate a nice house, a well designed room. But I learned over the years that where I live and what I live in is not the primary factor in my happiness.

What is primary is this feeling of home. So I thought a lot about those moments where I feel like I am home. Those moments where if feels like all the pieces have clicked into place and I know I am where I am meant to be. And after years and years I realized that for me, and I would venture for a lot of you, home is not a place. Home is a feeling, and more specifically home is people. Home is the friend from childhood that got your through the darkest hours of life. Home is the sibling you soldiered on through the muck with. Home is the soft space created between lovers that makes you feel safe. I have often wondered what a map would look like if I put a pin in every city that holds a person I call home. I think it would be far more populated that I could guess. I also wonder what it would look like if people that thought of me as home put pins in their home city as well. What if it was yellow for places I see as home, and blue for people that see me as home. Would their be more yellow or blue I wonder? Would I find yellow dots and blue dots next to each other most of the time? How many dots would not be paired? I'm not sure the answer to these questions, but I know that it would be a colorful map indeed.

There are little things that remind me of those people, those moments, of home. I remember home in a song. Some are songs of my generation Blink-182 anyone? Others are unique to my experience, The Bodeans- Still The Night. I sense home in tastes, home-made macaroni and cheese or a can of jam. Some are scents, the sleepy relaxation of jasmine and lotus or the rush of desire of Paloma Picasso. Others are sights, african statues and warm colored walls.

I hold all of those talismans of home close to my heart. I listen to songs, taste foods, seek scents; when home feels too far away or when I am in dire need of a recharge.

I know too many seek home in a building, believe that 4 walls will create that feeling for you. I promise, set that aside and look for the people in your life, past and present, that make you feel like you are home. Then strive to keep those connections. Never let go of one another, create home in your heart. The place your pins in your map and smile.

If you can find but a handful of people you can call home, you will have your own constellation of homes throughout the world. And when you let go of the place, and focus on the people... you realize that home can be anywhere, made of anything.

Telegraph

It's amazing to me the difference between how I perceive myself and how others perceive me. I've spent years feeling like the emotions I feel are either BIG or little. I never felt like I had medium, or normal, sized emotions. I experience frustration or rage not anger. I also feel like I telegraph these things out to the people around me.

As a result I spent time working on controlling these outward appearances. Worked hard to learn to pause before I speak when I'm angry, breathe deep and gain control when I'm sad. These things took a long time to learn and longer to master and honestly I don't always feel like I'm where I'd like to be with them. Then suddenly something will happen where I feel the total opposite way.

"You have an excellent poker face." It's a great thing to hear tipping back a few beers while playing cards. Hell, hearing it in the business world I crack a smile. I don't want to be an easy read, mystery is intriguing and not revealing your hand in business or gambling can make all the difference in the world. I wonder too how much of that poker face is from all the hours playing cards with my father and grandfather, I still loose more than win but hey. But sometimes you want people to know what you're thinking, what your feeling. Sometimes you want your intentions to be clear.

I generally dislike direct statements. I'm not going to be doing therapeutic "I statements" anytime soon. "I feel scared when you scream at me" And all I can think is, yeah no shit. And that's about the reaction such statements have garnered for me when I have tried them. But I don't do them sorta across the board. It's unlikely I tell someone whether I like or dislike them. I'm not one to "ask out" someone. But I feel like I telegraph these things anyway, my emotion and thought is palpable in the room for me so I simply ass-u-me that it is to others as well.

In spoken and written word I think I come across very clearly with what I am trying to convey. I've been blessed with that skill set and couldn't be happier for that. But face to face most of our communication is not in words but in "body language". But when someone that knows me really well tells me that I'm not so easy to read in this venue I have to accept that they are in a much better position to see this than I am.

So what to do? Start making declarative, direct statements, unlikely. It simply isn't me. Maybe learning to be more clear is something I can do over time. Until then I simply hope that people that know me can translate the little touches, the little oblique comments, the tones.

I don't regret my "poker face". I am glad that my anxiety doesn't show through in spite of the fact I feel like I am shaking so bad it borders on vibrating and I'm sure I look ill. I am thankful that I can feel seething rage and not have the whole world wonder when I'm going to finally crack. Yes, it also means that people have a hard time telling the difference between a "date" and coffee with a friend. Yes, it means that only people with whom I have an intimate connection know when I need that reassuring word, or a pick-me-up hug. So yes, I trade some level of connectivity with the general population in exchange for this safeguard, this armor.

Do I want to be known, of course. I believe that it is one of the great human needs and wants in this world. To be known, to be seen as who and what we are, this is what we crave. Without being known we feel small, alone, unimportant. But I don't want to be known by a large group of people, I want to be truly and deeply known by a few outstanding people. Maybe the subtlety of my "tells" is not obvious or loud enough for most. Maybe I loose out on some great people as a result. But I know that those that see me, that hear me.... I know these people understand a depth of my being that is exceptional.

FB and my return

"If we are connected in spirit then we are never alone. And yet, dark nights and foggy days can feel like such a vacuum. May the pieces of my heart I have given radiate for you as the pieces of your hearts have radiated for me. We are the light in the darkness."


That was my FaceBook status a few days, well nights really, ago. That status is the reason I've returned to this space at least for a short while. I can promise I am not likely to become a daily blogger. As was pointed out to me, I do have this space and it is a shame for it to lie quite so stagnant.


I write updates like those in the twilight moments just before sleep. They are nearly as random as my posting here. They come without warning and I feel some odd compulsion to post them. I guess a way to get whatever it is that is in my head out into the world. Sometimes they a good, other times bad. Usually they are only a fragment of some thought and by putting it into a post like that the rest of the thought is able to form in my mind and sleep soon overtakes me.


Do I know exactly what was in my head at that moment, no. I sure didn't expect any reaction from my friends to it. But I wanted to look back on it now, if I am to return to this space it is only fitting.


Alone, lonely, feels like a vacuum. Alone is a dark space, alone is not solitude. Solitude is restorative, solitude brings us back to our center. But if we remain without others for too long, then solitude breaks to become loneliness. Some say we should simply will our way through this feeling. They believe that it is learning to conquer this feeling of loneliness that leads to enlightenment.


I'm not so sure about enlightenment. I do know that I've tried to will my way through it and while I can come very close, I do not want to learn this skill. I both love and hate needing people. I am no extrovert by any stretch but I love a good conversation.


My head especially can feel like a lonely place for me. My "ivory tower" of thought and ideas. I hide there, I hide because it is safe. I like that tower because I am in control. I know my worth in the world of ideas and thought. I know whether I am a bb gun or a panzer tank. The world of ideas though is a lonely place.


It's funny how the world inside of us so often reflects the world outside of us. Governments, countries, face this sort of dilemma every day. This is freedom vs safety. How much of your freedom would you give up for how much safety. I find for me that I struggle to risk coming out of my tower sometimes. After a while away from people I can even dilute myself that I don't need people, like I am some android that has no need for something as frivolous as social interaction. I learn, as my ivory tower becomes a dark abyss that swallows me, that indeed I do need people and that damnable social interaction. So, I climb out of my tower and try to find what it is that I need.


But I digress.


"If we are connected in spirit then we are never alone."


I'm a firm believer that in the realm of the heart, in the realm of the spirit, distance does not exists. I believe that when I think of someone, wish them well or wonder how they are. I believe that somehow the universe transfers that good intention out into the world to them. I'm not sure how it works but I know that it does.


Honestly, just knowing that there is someone out there that has gone or is going through something similar to me can be a great help. Knowing that there is someone, even if it is just one person, out there that cares how I am doing and what is going on in my life. That for me is a godsend on dark nights.


I think it has to do with wanting to be known. To be known is one of the greatest human desires. We want others to understand us. We want others to feel empathy for us. And more, we want to connect with others on a level that is visceral. Something beyond our control or understanding. I think of it as spark. We can spark with millions of people. It is a choice to develop that spark into a fire. When we have nurtured our bond with another long enough, well enough. When we have drawn a line from the core of our being to the core of their being. Then we are connected in spirit.


I'm not sure how many people we could do this with in a life time. A great many I would suppose. Most of us however do this with a very few people. This is not the guy you share an office with, or have poker night with, or talk around the water cooler with. These are the people that have seen the core of who you are. These are people with whom you have been bare, and they too have been bare with you. This connection of spirit is one that is powerful. It is people you have called "best friend", "lover", "partner". These are the people with whom you know the nooks and crannies of their world and they know yours. While there are always shadows in the light, you no longer fear what little darkness there is. For if we know someone this deeply, even when we do not know "all" of them we do.


"May the pieces of my heart I have given radiate for you, as the pieces of your hearts have radiated for me."


Love is one of those words that scares people. Well, scares or gets distilled to stupid little lines. Love is a choice, love is an action. Most of the western world can recite at least part of 1 Corinthians 13 "Love is patient, Love is kind...". But all of these things are trying to describe something that is beyond description. All that I can tell you is that you will know love when you feel it, when you give it, when it touches you. I agree, it is a choice. I agree it is an action, it is things we do and say, thoughts we have. It is something beyond this world and yet so of it. Love is alive, an entity all its own. But I also believe that certain kinds of love require that we give a part of ourselves. I am not one that believes we can only do this so many times before the store is all gone. I am one that believes in the infinity of our capacity as individuals to love. But having a place in our heart that is just for a certain person, that is a unique kind of love. I used to call it big LOVE. Now, I simply think it a particular kind of love. And I have given this way to some who have come and gone, some who are still here. But this love transcends time and distance, those people always have a place in my heart. Even if they never use it again. I gave a part of myself to them. It cannot be taken back, it cannot be given back, it is done. And it is beautiful. And I know others have done this for me. And so when the darkness of the world sets in, even when I cannot find another to be with. I can close my eyes and I can feel and see those pieces of hearts that are open for me to be with. I know that from California to Florida I have pins in the map. Pins that are "home". Home in the hearts of those that I love and that love me.


"We are the light in the darkness."


That's what that home experience is. That's what we strive for. And is what I think we are built for. I once said that we are reflections of the divine to one another. I believe that if there is a divine being then that being resides to some degree in each of us. This means that the greatest thing we can do is show the face of god to each other. The divine is the experience of compassion, of empathy, of care, of love. When we show each other the good inside of us, we should the god within. And we show all that is good and right and wonderful in the world. We become like a million candles in a dark room.


The world is a dark and evil place, but we do not have to bow down and accept that it is always this way. Every tender touch, every kind word, every unspoken favor, you light the candle. Every time you speak the truth of love, of justice, of kindness, into the world; the darkness and evil gets beaten back a little. Just because we cannot reach bliss in our lifetime does not mean we should stop striving for it. It means we should push harder, try to come further. Every dent makes a difference.


I once had a million things I wanted to be, no longer. I want to do good for one person, show love to one person. If I can make the world a better, brighter, safer, more loving space for just one person... then I have lived a good life. And if we each strive to make the world a warmer place, for just one person... the world itself will become a warmer place for everyone. The world is large but the changes it needs are small.