Tattoo

Well here it goes, gonna take it piece by piece at first and then will weave it all together.

The cloud: The cloud itself like a lot of the piece has dual meaning. The cloud for me is a representation of fear. It is the all consuming gray cloud of fear that chokes out the world. But it is also a representation of me, take that to mean what you will.

The eye: This is the most difficult part to explain. The pyramid looking thing is a dragon's eye. It is a celtic symbol of power. It is also an expression of the world. The eye is both the way that I see fear as a living breathing entity and is me being able to look through fear to conquer it and to push through it. It is a symbol of my power over my internal world. A few years ago I don't think I had earned that eye but at this point I think it is more than earned.

The rain drops: The rain is about tears and sadness. It's also about washing life clean. I always see rain as the world trying to clean all the dirt off. Rain is comfot and energy for me. I love the smell and that feeling. And yet I've cried so many tears over the years it is only right that my cloud shed a few as well. The other part is there are 9. 9 being a perfect number. That is it is 3 three times. It's prefect because of 3 being representation of the divine, of the universal power.

The lightning: It's anger. So often anger has been a part of my life. So often has it shot out of me in a spark. It's been a force of so much destruction but also so much creation in life for me. I don't know that it sparks out as often as it used to but I can feel it rumbleing under the surface at times so I wanted to keep it there as a reminder that I can be that.

The image as a whole is everything. It is me and my life, it is how I see the world or at the very least the lens through which I see the world. I know that I am not doing justice to all that the image means and is but... that's the point. I can't explain it well enough. I don't even have the words for it for all my love of language. In the end I look at the image and I know that is My Cloud. I know it is mine, I know it is me and I don't have the words to express the meaning of it and I think that is why it was worth getting inked into my body forever.... because it is me in the most expressive and unexplanitory way.

Release

So my scars have all started to fade away. The once vibrant dots a razor blade once etched into my thumb are but the faintest little pin pricks now. The word once emblazoned upon my bicep is missing letters and faded now. Thin lines barely there are scattered all over my forearms and hands. Soon these last remnants to shall fade away.

The thing that brings all this back to the forefront to me is I got a tattoo recently. I sat there with my arm shaved as a man pressed ink into my skin permanently making my cloud truly mine. One of the things I said as the buzzing hit my arm and he did the black outline was that it felt just like a razor blade cutting through my arm. I liked the whole tattoo experience and I'll get to all of that in a minute but that moment made me think. I know what that feeling feels like. I've had a razor blade part my flesh on more than one occasion. I not only find the feeling familiar I actually like it. Now the rest of it felt different but that one made me pause.

I quit cutting a long time ago... I'd like to say it's been year and save for the lapse on my bicep it has been about 6 years since I've really cut and my bicep was about 4 months ago. I cut for just about every reason you can think of. Most of the lines on my hands and forearms were just to feel something. There is no feeling in the world worse than being numb. I would press metal to flesh in hopes that the physical pain would let me feel something and sometimes it did. Other times it was about feeling the pain inside on the outside. These cuts were deeper and left more lasting impressions. The word the was etched into my bicep was the first last and only time I cut as punishment... it was the only time that cutting hurt. My normal cutting from before felt good. It was a release of emotion, it was the only solace that I seemed to be able to find. I don't know how I ever stopped but I did. I know a lot of it was not keeping razor blades around the house. I know part of it was learning to cope with life in better fashions. I know part of it was simply learning to control my internal world better.

No matter how you cut it, sometimes the only release the only safety in this world is on the edge of a razor blade for me. I know that sounds sick and scary but it's true. It was about the feeling about releasing me from the numbness or pain. It was the only thing that could do that in such a powerful way.

So what about the tattoo experience? Well I don't know that it feels like this for everyone but for me it was incredible. The outline felt like a hot razor blade cutting through my flesh. It was an amazing feeling and left my head a little more clear my breathing a little quicker and my skin a little more warm (all of which my tattoo artist attributes to adrenaline). The shading process is the best part. See the needle is on and off the skin in rapid succession. This brings the best feeling ever. I don't know how to explain how it feels against the skin but the best way to explain how it makes me feel is.... imagine being at the very edge of orgasm for about an hour. Now some of you may find the idea to be terrible but I enjoy build as much as release. Nope no pay off but the build up is outstanding. At any rate I think I'm gonna do another post in a quick minute to explain my tattoo.... that way I can send people here and not have to explain it to them... not that that is going to work out for me

Trades

So, I'm a big fan of trades. Well, a big fan of trades with regards to asking for things. See when people do something for me or give me something for nothing, it just doesn't feel right.

Now sometimes I don't have much of a choice in it. Someone does something nice as a surprise and I can't very well at that point offer something in return. I just have to accept the gift and move on. But when I want to ask for something I set up the trade scenario from square one.

It's simple really. If I want a friend to bake me some cookies I do my best to offer something in return. Maybe I bake them a cake in return or take them out for dinner or give them a massage.

Catch is, I do my best to not have this set up when I'm the one giving. If I do something random for someone I'm not worried about the trade scenario. I'm perfectly ok with giving and not receiving. I'm not so ok with receiving and not giving.

I wonder why this is or what it says about me.

I think part of it is I like my relationships to be slighted. I like to give a little more than I recive. I wonder if this is a giving nature or if it has to do with how this slight misbalance makes the relationship feel.

It's a tough balance to strike though because you only want it to be the tiniest slight. If the difference becomes to big you feel used. But if it's just a little it feels just right for me. I feel loved and my hope is that because the flow is slightly in the other direction it helps the other person to feel loved as well.

I'm not sure if it always works this way. I think some of my relationships may be slighted the other way but I keep trying to shift them or at least try to balance them out.

It can get funny. I pay for a meal. A friend feels obligated to do the same at a later date. And we exchange back and forth, the friend trying to balance things out and me trying to keep it a little slighted.

Whether it's good or bad *shrugs*

I won't be promiseing postings any more. They will come as the insperation does. I have a bunch of stuff in drafts but haven't finished them as of yet so hopefully something soon.

The Duality of Being Human

Cognitive Dissonance: Holding two conflicting beliefs at the same time, this often causes an uncomfortable tension.

Eleven years of therapy on and off taught me a lot of things. Eleven years of learning about how the world inside me works. Eleven years of learning new coping strategies. Eleven years of dealing with all the cracks that life pushed into me. Eleven years of learning to deal with crazy with out needing to fall back on medications.

One of the things about eleven years of therapy is that it makes phrases like cognitive dissonance simply part of your language. It becomes a natural phrase like how's it going. The words of psychology just creep into your base language like a little leech preparing to suck the life from normal conversation.

Cognitive dissonance became and continues to be one of my favorite phrases from this world. The reason isn't some magic deep and involved reasoning. I find the phrase appealing because I live with it and exist in it so frequently it feels like home.

It feels like home to an extent that I no longer have the nervous feeling when it happens. I no longer feel the need to reconcile those conflicting thoughts. Maybe the comfort of those moments has to do with mixed moods. Maybe existing internally with the idea of feeling two conflicting emotions at the exact same time makes it easier to accept when two thoughts don't reconcile.

I wonder how often most people experience sad and happy at the same time, how many times you want to hug and choke someone at the same time. The pattern of thought that once seemed so fluid to me with regards to all of this is since lost and perhaps that means it is simply time to share and let go moving on to something a bit more lucid for me.

First post

I've had a lot on my mind over the last week... well over the last month really.

Things change in life; it's something that we have to learn to accept. Well, really it is something we should learn to accept. I haven't in general been the biggest fan of change from an early age. I like things that are predicable. Not predicable in specifics but in general.

The best explanation for this trait is people. See I don't need or even particularly want people in my life to be specifically predictable. I don't want to know with out "knowing" how a friend is going to react to a specific situation. I do however like things to be very predictable in general. I like people I can bank on seeing X number of days a week. I like to know that I'm never going to be able to go out with "Jane" on Thursday nights because she works a late shift. I like knowing that I can always call "Bob" to do something on a weekend because no matter what it is I am always welcome to come along. But if something specific happens *shrugs* I'm not really overly concerned on people being predictable. Maybe that doesn't make sense but for me it does.

So change has happened a lot recently and I don't like it. I fight it a lot but often this fight is in vein.

When I look back on recent times I realize how much I have learned about myself. I wish that I could say everything I have learned has been positive but if that were the case I wouldn't be human.

It's little things in conversations, movies, books, poems that grab me and hold me. Little things that cause my mind to spiral into overdrive and then I in a lot of ways am simply along for the ride until it finishes.

One that I can remember from this last little bit happened while watching The Departed. It's an outstanding movie the whole way around. There was a line; a line that probably doesn't stand out to most people. It's a line that doesn't realy matter to the plot line or character developement but it sparked one of those overdrive moments for me.

"Colin Sullivan: [to Madolyn]If we're not gonna make it, it's gotta be you that gets out, cause I'm not capable. I'm fucking Irish, I'll deal with something being wrong for the rest of my life. "

I didn't have the spark with the line until recently and then it struck me.

There is something inside me that makes relationships permanent in my mind. It doesn't matter how happy or unhappy I am. It doesn't matter how well or how poorly I am treated. You see for me once I am in I am in past my head. I dive into a relationship. I let it consume me. I allow myself to dedicate an exorbitant amount of time energy and effort to it. I know people read that and think what a wonderful thing it is. I assure you it isn't. Until you have been on the receiving end of that kind of commitment you don't really understand how hard it can be.

I won't end it, doesn't matter how many or how great the reason(s) for doing so are. I simply won't. I'm dedicated to a point that is really kind of disturbing. See I just keep beating my head against the wall to try and get what I need. I try and just wait it out. After a while I start asking. That's not the bad part though. The bad part is that once that doesn't work I just start getting manipulative and/or mean.

I always try manipulation first. I like manipulation. I actually don't mind, especially in a relationship, being manipulated. My explanation for this is pretty simple. Let's say you have apples and I have oranges. Now you like oranges but you don't need them per say, their just a nice thing to have. Now I really like apples, almost to the point where I feel I need them. It's not so bad if I get you to give me an apple by trading you a vastly larger amount of oranges. Here's how it works: I want 1 apple. I wait a while and realize I'm not going to get one from on high so I decide to ask. After asking for the apple from you, you tell me no.

Now I talk about it. Why I want the apple, how much the apple means to me, apples in general, suddenly every moment is consumed by apples. It isn't so much that I am doing all this apple talk because I am trying to be annoying and get an apple but because I want one so badly that the thought itself consumes me. So no luck, still no apple.

Well it's time to start bargaining. Can I have an apple if I give you an orange? No, what about 3 oranges for an apple? No... well how about 10 or 20 or 50. The problem is I will up it to a point I feel like I am begging. To some degree I am begging. I know we shouldn't have to beg for what we need from one another in theory but in reality sometimes circumstance gives us no solution because I can't very well get an apple from someone else. I guess the way I see it is if you get 10 oranges for every apple you give me that's a pretty damn good rate of return. I know it's manipulative. I am using the fact you like oranges to get me the apple I feel I need but who cares? We both come out fine and in the end the trade benefits you more anyway so if I am happy with it that is all that matters. Now not everyone sees it this way but the next part is where most people feel I cross a line and I more than likely do. See I want that apple. I want that apple badly. You would think that apple were the last drop of water in a desert I want it so badly. Now my manipulative trade always stands and you could even add to it and I would more than likely agree but at this point I've given up on that.

So what is there left to do? I can't get an apple from someone else. I won't end the relationship because I need apples and you clearly won't or can't give me apples. So I go for the worst possible option and I go for it every time. I start going from reward to punishment. Fine you won't give me an apple, I'll start being mean. Still no apple, that's ok I can get quite mean. That doesn't work, not a problem time for me to start introducing real punishment. I don't get apples for X amount of time I do Y and believe me Y will be something you hate me doing. Eventually either I get my apple or you bail. *shrugs* not the best theory I guess but it works.

I think that's it for now. I'll plan on posting more either tomorrow or this weekend so stay tuned.

Explaination of things to come

So I've finally decided to start using this. I don't know yet how long I will keep it up nor do I know as of yet how frequent it will be. I guess, as with many things in life, only time will tell.

The best explanation I can give any of you as to the experience we are about to embark upon together is it is a spiral journey into and through my mind. It's just going to be random. Whatever is on my mind, however it comes out. I'll take suggestions and direction but all in all it is just going to be my own little world.

All I can do is start this little venture and see where it goes. So take a deep breath and prepare to bare with me.

Why the name?

The Abyss:
"He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."~Friedrich Nietzsche

The Candle:
"Hope, like the gleaming taper's light,/ Adorns and cheers our way;/ And still, as darker grows the night,/ Emits a brighter ray." ~Oliver Goldsmith

I'll post something of more content in a little while. It will take me a bit to get this whole thing up and running.