Milk Mathmatics

There is a popular belief that what men want out of relationships is sex (or sexual intimacy if we're feeling generous). Women on the other hand are said to want emotional support and intimacy out of relationships.

"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

This is the sage wisdom told to women who are "too" free with their sexuality and struggle to find a partner. But I think it works both ways.

Here's the bottom line. I think that relationships are much like a free market system. I remember they used to have sites where you could name your own price for things and wait and see if anyone bit at that price. In some ways this is how sex and emotional intimacy work. It is a barter with most people. Sexual act A grants B degree or amount of emotional intimacy or B degree or amount of intimacy grants A sexual act as the case may be. This usually is based on who "has hand" at the present time.

Except there are a handful of a certain type of individual that flip this equation on its head. Woman who are free with their sexuality, who do not make men pay the toll of emotional intimacy for sex. Men who offer emotional support with out demanding sex before or as payment for. Yes, these types are rare.

Now, to be fair, I assign a moral judgment to my gender. Oddly I do not have this same judgment cross gender. But for me it is morally wrong for me to withhold emotional support. I should support, care, be emotionally there from the moment I count you as friend. And even before that for some cases. I think that men who trade emotional support for sex are asshats.

I think it is rare for two atypicals to connect. I just don't think there are many of us. There was a research study done (I can't find it at the moment) but what it found was that most men found physical infidelity worse than emotional infidelity where women found them to be equal with a very slight amount more saying emotional infidelity is worse. Now I could make an evolutionary psychology argument for this but who cares. I have found that I find both equally painful. However, the line for physically infidelity is one less blurred for me. Emotional infidelity is tricky to spot, it means I care for and ostensibly love the other person to the same amount or in the same way as you. This is hard to find. I think this is why women are hard pressed to say strongly that the emotional is worse. Because you never are quite sure he loves her just like he loves you until you find out low and behold he is sleeping with her too. That some how signs and seals that the emotional infidelity was there. A blurry line as I said. I also think that it is normal and perhaps even good that we love our friends. As such I am hard pressed to find a clear line with emotional infidelity though I know it exists.

I think that atypicals are hard on each other. Imagine a woman who is free with her sexuality. She will spend a lot of life not only being judged but hearing "why would he buy the cow when he can get the milk for free." Her emotional needs go unfilled because she doesn't see sex as a big deal and she doesn't want to wield it as a weapon. But when she finds people that she connect with emotionally, BIG deal. And so what, sex is sex. Separate. And so she continues with sex as not a big deal and being free, liberated. But the emotional intimacy is a big deal. huge in fact. These people are special. There may only be a small handful in her whole lifetime. Often, the other side of atypicals is in the same position. Emotional intimacy is easy. They care easy, they love big. But physicality is a rare the thing, again maybe a handful in his whole lifetime. And I think this difference in world views makes connections between these two elements high octane. But oddly, I think they are good for one another. They may try and test one another. But in the end they force one another to grow. And in the end they have what the other needs, with out reservation. She can come to him, no matter the time, no matter the situation, and she can know that he will emotionally support her. And he can come to her, no matter the time, no matter the situation and get physical intimacy. But they will wound each other nearly as easily. She will have others and that will pain him. And he will support and care/love others, and this will hurt her. And neither will really quite get why or how they have injured the other. In his mind he obviously cares about her more or in a unique and special way. He sees it clear in the openness physically, sees it in the custom fit of emotional support and not just the general support anyone can get. And she feels the same way, obviously he's special, she's opened up her heart and mind to him. And this is a space rarely shared and offered. And sex is not that big a deal.

I'm not sure the resolution to this equation. I'm not so sure that there is one. I think it, like most relationship equations is a minefield that simply must be walked and risked.

Twist

I tend to do two things here. The first is to start to write a post then get distracted or loose my thread and stop. As such, I have a million threads started but few posts. The second is that I go through old posts and threads not posted to see if I have brought up a thought before.

And this leads me to this post. Instead of finishing up one of my terribly negative threads I have entered into this post with the hope of something a touch more positive. I'm not sure if I've written about it before and honestly, if I have, I could use going back through it again anyway.

I spend/spent a lot of time thinking about what makes me happy, and what seems to make others happy. One of the things I noticed is that we all seem really stuck on this idea of home. Now for most people it is a place they go to at the end of the day. For some it is an idea that hasn't made it into the world yet but someday, someday, they'll build it and decorate it and fill it with stuff. Now don't get me wrong, I love my stuff. And I appreciate a nice house, a well designed room. But I learned over the years that where I live and what I live in is not the primary factor in my happiness.

What is primary is this feeling of home. So I thought a lot about those moments where I feel like I am home. Those moments where if feels like all the pieces have clicked into place and I know I am where I am meant to be. And after years and years I realized that for me, and I would venture for a lot of you, home is not a place. Home is a feeling, and more specifically home is people. Home is the friend from childhood that got your through the darkest hours of life. Home is the sibling you soldiered on through the muck with. Home is the soft space created between lovers that makes you feel safe. I have often wondered what a map would look like if I put a pin in every city that holds a person I call home. I think it would be far more populated that I could guess. I also wonder what it would look like if people that thought of me as home put pins in their home city as well. What if it was yellow for places I see as home, and blue for people that see me as home. Would their be more yellow or blue I wonder? Would I find yellow dots and blue dots next to each other most of the time? How many dots would not be paired? I'm not sure the answer to these questions, but I know that it would be a colorful map indeed.

There are little things that remind me of those people, those moments, of home. I remember home in a song. Some are songs of my generation Blink-182 anyone? Others are unique to my experience, The Bodeans- Still The Night. I sense home in tastes, home-made macaroni and cheese or a can of jam. Some are scents, the sleepy relaxation of jasmine and lotus or the rush of desire of Paloma Picasso. Others are sights, african statues and warm colored walls.

I hold all of those talismans of home close to my heart. I listen to songs, taste foods, seek scents; when home feels too far away or when I am in dire need of a recharge.

I know too many seek home in a building, believe that 4 walls will create that feeling for you. I promise, set that aside and look for the people in your life, past and present, that make you feel like you are home. Then strive to keep those connections. Never let go of one another, create home in your heart. The place your pins in your map and smile.

If you can find but a handful of people you can call home, you will have your own constellation of homes throughout the world. And when you let go of the place, and focus on the people... you realize that home can be anywhere, made of anything.