It's amazing to me the difference between how I perceive myself and how others perceive me. I've spent years feeling like the emotions I feel are either BIG or little. I never felt like I had medium, or normal, sized emotions. I experience frustration or rage not anger. I also feel like I telegraph these things out to the people around me.
As a result I spent time working on controlling these outward appearances. Worked hard to learn to pause before I speak when I'm angry, breathe deep and gain control when I'm sad. These things took a long time to learn and longer to master and honestly I don't always feel like I'm where I'd like to be with them. Then suddenly something will happen where I feel the total opposite way.
"You have an excellent poker face." It's a great thing to hear tipping back a few beers while playing cards. Hell, hearing it in the business world I crack a smile. I don't want to be an easy read, mystery is intriguing and not revealing your hand in business or gambling can make all the difference in the world. I wonder too how much of that poker face is from all the hours playing cards with my father and grandfather, I still loose more than win but hey. But sometimes you want people to know what you're thinking, what your feeling. Sometimes you want your intentions to be clear.
I generally dislike direct statements. I'm not going to be doing therapeutic "I statements" anytime soon. "I feel scared when you scream at me" And all I can think is, yeah no shit. And that's about the reaction such statements have garnered for me when I have tried them. But I don't do them sorta across the board. It's unlikely I tell someone whether I like or dislike them. I'm not one to "ask out" someone. But I feel like I telegraph these things anyway, my emotion and thought is palpable in the room for me so I simply ass-u-me that it is to others as well.
In spoken and written word I think I come across very clearly with what I am trying to convey. I've been blessed with that skill set and couldn't be happier for that. But face to face most of our communication is not in words but in "body language". But when someone that knows me really well tells me that I'm not so easy to read in this venue I have to accept that they are in a much better position to see this than I am.
So what to do? Start making declarative, direct statements, unlikely. It simply isn't me. Maybe learning to be more clear is something I can do over time. Until then I simply hope that people that know me can translate the little touches, the little oblique comments, the tones.
I don't regret my "poker face". I am glad that my anxiety doesn't show through in spite of the fact I feel like I am shaking so bad it borders on vibrating and I'm sure I look ill. I am thankful that I can feel seething rage and not have the whole world wonder when I'm going to finally crack. Yes, it also means that people have a hard time telling the difference between a "date" and coffee with a friend. Yes, it means that only people with whom I have an intimate connection know when I need that reassuring word, or a pick-me-up hug. So yes, I trade some level of connectivity with the general population in exchange for this safeguard, this armor.
Do I want to be known, of course. I believe that it is one of the great human needs and wants in this world. To be known, to be seen as who and what we are, this is what we crave. Without being known we feel small, alone, unimportant. But I don't want to be known by a large group of people, I want to be truly and deeply known by a few outstanding people. Maybe the subtlety of my "tells" is not obvious or loud enough for most. Maybe I loose out on some great people as a result. But I know that those that see me, that hear me.... I know these people understand a depth of my being that is exceptional.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010
FB and my return
"If we are connected in spirit then we are never alone. And yet, dark nights and foggy days can feel like such a vacuum. May the pieces of my heart I have given radiate for you as the pieces of your hearts have radiated for me. We are the light in the darkness."
That was my FaceBook status a few days, well nights really, ago. That status is the reason I've returned to this space at least for a short while. I can promise I am not likely to become a daily blogger. As was pointed out to me, I do have this space and it is a shame for it to lie quite so stagnant.
I write updates like those in the twilight moments just before sleep. They are nearly as random as my posting here. They come without warning and I feel some odd compulsion to post them. I guess a way to get whatever it is that is in my head out into the world. Sometimes they a good, other times bad. Usually they are only a fragment of some thought and by putting it into a post like that the rest of the thought is able to form in my mind and sleep soon overtakes me.
Do I know exactly what was in my head at that moment, no. I sure didn't expect any reaction from my friends to it. But I wanted to look back on it now, if I am to return to this space it is only fitting.
Alone, lonely, feels like a vacuum. Alone is a dark space, alone is not solitude. Solitude is restorative, solitude brings us back to our center. But if we remain without others for too long, then solitude breaks to become loneliness. Some say we should simply will our way through this feeling. They believe that it is learning to conquer this feeling of loneliness that leads to enlightenment.
I'm not so sure about enlightenment. I do know that I've tried to will my way through it and while I can come very close, I do not want to learn this skill. I both love and hate needing people. I am no extrovert by any stretch but I love a good conversation.
My head especially can feel like a lonely place for me. My "ivory tower" of thought and ideas. I hide there, I hide because it is safe. I like that tower because I am in control. I know my worth in the world of ideas and thought. I know whether I am a bb gun or a panzer tank. The world of ideas though is a lonely place.
It's funny how the world inside of us so often reflects the world outside of us. Governments, countries, face this sort of dilemma every day. This is freedom vs safety. How much of your freedom would you give up for how much safety. I find for me that I struggle to risk coming out of my tower sometimes. After a while away from people I can even dilute myself that I don't need people, like I am some android that has no need for something as frivolous as social interaction. I learn, as my ivory tower becomes a dark abyss that swallows me, that indeed I do need people and that damnable social interaction. So, I climb out of my tower and try to find what it is that I need.
But I digress.
"If we are connected in spirit then we are never alone."
I'm a firm believer that in the realm of the heart, in the realm of the spirit, distance does not exists. I believe that when I think of someone, wish them well or wonder how they are. I believe that somehow the universe transfers that good intention out into the world to them. I'm not sure how it works but I know that it does.
Honestly, just knowing that there is someone out there that has gone or is going through something similar to me can be a great help. Knowing that there is someone, even if it is just one person, out there that cares how I am doing and what is going on in my life. That for me is a godsend on dark nights.
I think it has to do with wanting to be known. To be known is one of the greatest human desires. We want others to understand us. We want others to feel empathy for us. And more, we want to connect with others on a level that is visceral. Something beyond our control or understanding. I think of it as spark. We can spark with millions of people. It is a choice to develop that spark into a fire. When we have nurtured our bond with another long enough, well enough. When we have drawn a line from the core of our being to the core of their being. Then we are connected in spirit.
I'm not sure how many people we could do this with in a life time. A great many I would suppose. Most of us however do this with a very few people. This is not the guy you share an office with, or have poker night with, or talk around the water cooler with. These are the people that have seen the core of who you are. These are people with whom you have been bare, and they too have been bare with you. This connection of spirit is one that is powerful. It is people you have called "best friend", "lover", "partner". These are the people with whom you know the nooks and crannies of their world and they know yours. While there are always shadows in the light, you no longer fear what little darkness there is. For if we know someone this deeply, even when we do not know "all" of them we do.
"May the pieces of my heart I have given radiate for you, as the pieces of your hearts have radiated for me."
Love is one of those words that scares people. Well, scares or gets distilled to stupid little lines. Love is a choice, love is an action. Most of the western world can recite at least part of 1 Corinthians 13 "Love is patient, Love is kind...". But all of these things are trying to describe something that is beyond description. All that I can tell you is that you will know love when you feel it, when you give it, when it touches you. I agree, it is a choice. I agree it is an action, it is things we do and say, thoughts we have. It is something beyond this world and yet so of it. Love is alive, an entity all its own. But I also believe that certain kinds of love require that we give a part of ourselves. I am not one that believes we can only do this so many times before the store is all gone. I am one that believes in the infinity of our capacity as individuals to love. But having a place in our heart that is just for a certain person, that is a unique kind of love. I used to call it big LOVE. Now, I simply think it a particular kind of love. And I have given this way to some who have come and gone, some who are still here. But this love transcends time and distance, those people always have a place in my heart. Even if they never use it again. I gave a part of myself to them. It cannot be taken back, it cannot be given back, it is done. And it is beautiful. And I know others have done this for me. And so when the darkness of the world sets in, even when I cannot find another to be with. I can close my eyes and I can feel and see those pieces of hearts that are open for me to be with. I know that from California to Florida I have pins in the map. Pins that are "home". Home in the hearts of those that I love and that love me.
"We are the light in the darkness."
That's what that home experience is. That's what we strive for. And is what I think we are built for. I once said that we are reflections of the divine to one another. I believe that if there is a divine being then that being resides to some degree in each of us. This means that the greatest thing we can do is show the face of god to each other. The divine is the experience of compassion, of empathy, of care, of love. When we show each other the good inside of us, we should the god within. And we show all that is good and right and wonderful in the world. We become like a million candles in a dark room.
The world is a dark and evil place, but we do not have to bow down and accept that it is always this way. Every tender touch, every kind word, every unspoken favor, you light the candle. Every time you speak the truth of love, of justice, of kindness, into the world; the darkness and evil gets beaten back a little. Just because we cannot reach bliss in our lifetime does not mean we should stop striving for it. It means we should push harder, try to come further. Every dent makes a difference.
I once had a million things I wanted to be, no longer. I want to do good for one person, show love to one person. If I can make the world a better, brighter, safer, more loving space for just one person... then I have lived a good life. And if we each strive to make the world a warmer place, for just one person... the world itself will become a warmer place for everyone. The world is large but the changes it needs are small.
That was my FaceBook status a few days, well nights really, ago. That status is the reason I've returned to this space at least for a short while. I can promise I am not likely to become a daily blogger. As was pointed out to me, I do have this space and it is a shame for it to lie quite so stagnant.
I write updates like those in the twilight moments just before sleep. They are nearly as random as my posting here. They come without warning and I feel some odd compulsion to post them. I guess a way to get whatever it is that is in my head out into the world. Sometimes they a good, other times bad. Usually they are only a fragment of some thought and by putting it into a post like that the rest of the thought is able to form in my mind and sleep soon overtakes me.
Do I know exactly what was in my head at that moment, no. I sure didn't expect any reaction from my friends to it. But I wanted to look back on it now, if I am to return to this space it is only fitting.
Alone, lonely, feels like a vacuum. Alone is a dark space, alone is not solitude. Solitude is restorative, solitude brings us back to our center. But if we remain without others for too long, then solitude breaks to become loneliness. Some say we should simply will our way through this feeling. They believe that it is learning to conquer this feeling of loneliness that leads to enlightenment.
I'm not so sure about enlightenment. I do know that I've tried to will my way through it and while I can come very close, I do not want to learn this skill. I both love and hate needing people. I am no extrovert by any stretch but I love a good conversation.
My head especially can feel like a lonely place for me. My "ivory tower" of thought and ideas. I hide there, I hide because it is safe. I like that tower because I am in control. I know my worth in the world of ideas and thought. I know whether I am a bb gun or a panzer tank. The world of ideas though is a lonely place.
It's funny how the world inside of us so often reflects the world outside of us. Governments, countries, face this sort of dilemma every day. This is freedom vs safety. How much of your freedom would you give up for how much safety. I find for me that I struggle to risk coming out of my tower sometimes. After a while away from people I can even dilute myself that I don't need people, like I am some android that has no need for something as frivolous as social interaction. I learn, as my ivory tower becomes a dark abyss that swallows me, that indeed I do need people and that damnable social interaction. So, I climb out of my tower and try to find what it is that I need.
But I digress.
"If we are connected in spirit then we are never alone."
I'm a firm believer that in the realm of the heart, in the realm of the spirit, distance does not exists. I believe that when I think of someone, wish them well or wonder how they are. I believe that somehow the universe transfers that good intention out into the world to them. I'm not sure how it works but I know that it does.
Honestly, just knowing that there is someone out there that has gone or is going through something similar to me can be a great help. Knowing that there is someone, even if it is just one person, out there that cares how I am doing and what is going on in my life. That for me is a godsend on dark nights.
I think it has to do with wanting to be known. To be known is one of the greatest human desires. We want others to understand us. We want others to feel empathy for us. And more, we want to connect with others on a level that is visceral. Something beyond our control or understanding. I think of it as spark. We can spark with millions of people. It is a choice to develop that spark into a fire. When we have nurtured our bond with another long enough, well enough. When we have drawn a line from the core of our being to the core of their being. Then we are connected in spirit.
I'm not sure how many people we could do this with in a life time. A great many I would suppose. Most of us however do this with a very few people. This is not the guy you share an office with, or have poker night with, or talk around the water cooler with. These are the people that have seen the core of who you are. These are people with whom you have been bare, and they too have been bare with you. This connection of spirit is one that is powerful. It is people you have called "best friend", "lover", "partner". These are the people with whom you know the nooks and crannies of their world and they know yours. While there are always shadows in the light, you no longer fear what little darkness there is. For if we know someone this deeply, even when we do not know "all" of them we do.
"May the pieces of my heart I have given radiate for you, as the pieces of your hearts have radiated for me."
Love is one of those words that scares people. Well, scares or gets distilled to stupid little lines. Love is a choice, love is an action. Most of the western world can recite at least part of 1 Corinthians 13 "Love is patient, Love is kind...". But all of these things are trying to describe something that is beyond description. All that I can tell you is that you will know love when you feel it, when you give it, when it touches you. I agree, it is a choice. I agree it is an action, it is things we do and say, thoughts we have. It is something beyond this world and yet so of it. Love is alive, an entity all its own. But I also believe that certain kinds of love require that we give a part of ourselves. I am not one that believes we can only do this so many times before the store is all gone. I am one that believes in the infinity of our capacity as individuals to love. But having a place in our heart that is just for a certain person, that is a unique kind of love. I used to call it big LOVE. Now, I simply think it a particular kind of love. And I have given this way to some who have come and gone, some who are still here. But this love transcends time and distance, those people always have a place in my heart. Even if they never use it again. I gave a part of myself to them. It cannot be taken back, it cannot be given back, it is done. And it is beautiful. And I know others have done this for me. And so when the darkness of the world sets in, even when I cannot find another to be with. I can close my eyes and I can feel and see those pieces of hearts that are open for me to be with. I know that from California to Florida I have pins in the map. Pins that are "home". Home in the hearts of those that I love and that love me.
"We are the light in the darkness."
That's what that home experience is. That's what we strive for. And is what I think we are built for. I once said that we are reflections of the divine to one another. I believe that if there is a divine being then that being resides to some degree in each of us. This means that the greatest thing we can do is show the face of god to each other. The divine is the experience of compassion, of empathy, of care, of love. When we show each other the good inside of us, we should the god within. And we show all that is good and right and wonderful in the world. We become like a million candles in a dark room.
The world is a dark and evil place, but we do not have to bow down and accept that it is always this way. Every tender touch, every kind word, every unspoken favor, you light the candle. Every time you speak the truth of love, of justice, of kindness, into the world; the darkness and evil gets beaten back a little. Just because we cannot reach bliss in our lifetime does not mean we should stop striving for it. It means we should push harder, try to come further. Every dent makes a difference.
I once had a million things I wanted to be, no longer. I want to do good for one person, show love to one person. If I can make the world a better, brighter, safer, more loving space for just one person... then I have lived a good life. And if we each strive to make the world a warmer place, for just one person... the world itself will become a warmer place for everyone. The world is large but the changes it needs are small.
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