Tattoo

Well here it goes, gonna take it piece by piece at first and then will weave it all together.

The cloud: The cloud itself like a lot of the piece has dual meaning. The cloud for me is a representation of fear. It is the all consuming gray cloud of fear that chokes out the world. But it is also a representation of me, take that to mean what you will.

The eye: This is the most difficult part to explain. The pyramid looking thing is a dragon's eye. It is a celtic symbol of power. It is also an expression of the world. The eye is both the way that I see fear as a living breathing entity and is me being able to look through fear to conquer it and to push through it. It is a symbol of my power over my internal world. A few years ago I don't think I had earned that eye but at this point I think it is more than earned.

The rain drops: The rain is about tears and sadness. It's also about washing life clean. I always see rain as the world trying to clean all the dirt off. Rain is comfot and energy for me. I love the smell and that feeling. And yet I've cried so many tears over the years it is only right that my cloud shed a few as well. The other part is there are 9. 9 being a perfect number. That is it is 3 three times. It's prefect because of 3 being representation of the divine, of the universal power.

The lightning: It's anger. So often anger has been a part of my life. So often has it shot out of me in a spark. It's been a force of so much destruction but also so much creation in life for me. I don't know that it sparks out as often as it used to but I can feel it rumbleing under the surface at times so I wanted to keep it there as a reminder that I can be that.

The image as a whole is everything. It is me and my life, it is how I see the world or at the very least the lens through which I see the world. I know that I am not doing justice to all that the image means and is but... that's the point. I can't explain it well enough. I don't even have the words for it for all my love of language. In the end I look at the image and I know that is My Cloud. I know it is mine, I know it is me and I don't have the words to express the meaning of it and I think that is why it was worth getting inked into my body forever.... because it is me in the most expressive and unexplanitory way.

Release

So my scars have all started to fade away. The once vibrant dots a razor blade once etched into my thumb are but the faintest little pin pricks now. The word once emblazoned upon my bicep is missing letters and faded now. Thin lines barely there are scattered all over my forearms and hands. Soon these last remnants to shall fade away.

The thing that brings all this back to the forefront to me is I got a tattoo recently. I sat there with my arm shaved as a man pressed ink into my skin permanently making my cloud truly mine. One of the things I said as the buzzing hit my arm and he did the black outline was that it felt just like a razor blade cutting through my arm. I liked the whole tattoo experience and I'll get to all of that in a minute but that moment made me think. I know what that feeling feels like. I've had a razor blade part my flesh on more than one occasion. I not only find the feeling familiar I actually like it. Now the rest of it felt different but that one made me pause.

I quit cutting a long time ago... I'd like to say it's been year and save for the lapse on my bicep it has been about 6 years since I've really cut and my bicep was about 4 months ago. I cut for just about every reason you can think of. Most of the lines on my hands and forearms were just to feel something. There is no feeling in the world worse than being numb. I would press metal to flesh in hopes that the physical pain would let me feel something and sometimes it did. Other times it was about feeling the pain inside on the outside. These cuts were deeper and left more lasting impressions. The word the was etched into my bicep was the first last and only time I cut as punishment... it was the only time that cutting hurt. My normal cutting from before felt good. It was a release of emotion, it was the only solace that I seemed to be able to find. I don't know how I ever stopped but I did. I know a lot of it was not keeping razor blades around the house. I know part of it was learning to cope with life in better fashions. I know part of it was simply learning to control my internal world better.

No matter how you cut it, sometimes the only release the only safety in this world is on the edge of a razor blade for me. I know that sounds sick and scary but it's true. It was about the feeling about releasing me from the numbness or pain. It was the only thing that could do that in such a powerful way.

So what about the tattoo experience? Well I don't know that it feels like this for everyone but for me it was incredible. The outline felt like a hot razor blade cutting through my flesh. It was an amazing feeling and left my head a little more clear my breathing a little quicker and my skin a little more warm (all of which my tattoo artist attributes to adrenaline). The shading process is the best part. See the needle is on and off the skin in rapid succession. This brings the best feeling ever. I don't know how to explain how it feels against the skin but the best way to explain how it makes me feel is.... imagine being at the very edge of orgasm for about an hour. Now some of you may find the idea to be terrible but I enjoy build as much as release. Nope no pay off but the build up is outstanding. At any rate I think I'm gonna do another post in a quick minute to explain my tattoo.... that way I can send people here and not have to explain it to them... not that that is going to work out for me