Monsters

"Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster... for when you gaze long into the abyss. The abyss gazes also into you." ~Friedrich Nietzche

Everyone has a monster inside them. If you feel like it isn't true then you're either not being honest with yourself or you should stop reading. And the abyss is real, either you're delusionaly optimistic and refuse to see it or you just gotta accept that there is a world out there and there's an abyss.

Of course it can work both ways, it's not just a caution when fighting monsters. See sometimes when you stare into the abyss you see that monster within. Sometimes the problem with letting yourself linger too long looking over that edge is you actual get to see the truth within and it's not pretty.

My monster is a shape shifter. He's not the same today as he was years ago. The monster from my past is not one I ever wish to share a life with again. But that monster was easier to see, overt and loud. Rage was what brought him out and he was mean, vile, awful. But he was also born out of fear, insecurity, trauma. He had a strength in that anger that I in my day to day did not have. There was something in the power of that anger that allowed me to survive. I do not mourn its passing. I worked too long and too hard to ever yield to such an awful thing. Admittedly at times I feel anger and I can even see in unkind words the echo of that beast. But it is slain. And for a while, for a long while I thought I had slain the dragon; that within me no longer was a monster.

The problem with idealism is that when you cling to ideals to strongly they take over. The other issue is that of righteous indignation. The feeling of being "right" being on the side of "good" is a powerful thing and a dangerous one for sure. Confidence is something for me that waxes and wanes depending on the day and the subject. But slowly I've noticed it growing to be something more common for me. Adding work into the mix definitely gave me access to an authority I was only tacitly aware I could call up. That authority and the space created in the job added to the confidence. Things with women starting to go my way added confidence to the mix. Spending years working on school to finally start to see my academic mind stretch and grow. Stepping up to new challenges in the intellectual sphere that I could not have surmounted before starting that path added confidence. The problem is there's a monster lurking there.

This monster isn't anger it's confidence or perhaps pride. I'm never sure how to label it. But when your father talks to you about it and then someone else sees it too... yeah it's not a possibility anymore... I have to accept this monster is here and I need to work on him. The problem is he's harder to see. See turns out all that work I did to get rid of the first monster, well this monster decided it was easier to build on that work than start somewhere new. See I learned to be an island. It's not always pretty but honestly I don't need others to find emotional stability, it might be a low stable orbit sometimes but fuck you it's stable. It's what happens when you decide you never want to ask for help but you still want to work through all your past trauma while learning to control your moods. Add into that a genuine compassion and desire to nurture those close and well, it's like a emotional recharge island. It's a weird stability, the whether is always different. And it's fair to say it's intense a lot of the time but the island is always there. And so as I worked and grew I became more a force. Learning in a great books environment means being more sure of those few personal convictions I have. It's not that I'm sure they're objectively right but I can articulate them better now and I find that helps. So I know what I want Love to look like as an ideal, I know what I mean when I talk Loyalty, I understand the value of Compassion. I am more solid in these ideals now than I have ever been in my life. I know what I want to value and have some idea of who I want to be and that adds to the confidence that builds this monster.

See the monster is a manipulator and a force of will. His coming out means that by sheer strength of conviction and confidence the side he stands on gets a little extra sway. And he's convincing, he's mastered discussion and dialogue and all of that turns into more force of will to his side. My father's caution is that this monster needs to be fought with openness to feedback and the ideas of others. I'm usually really good at this. I adore discussion and even have come to like debate. I'm fascinated by how the walks we have in life give us perspective that is unique. I like learning new things and seeing new sides. Unless we're working in reality and something real is at stake. Then if the monster is around I just kinda want to do it my way because the cost is too high for me and you to see that another way doesn't or does work when I have one that will work. And so the monster argues for it and against any alternatives and suddenly I watch as he's done it again... through sheer will the monster made reality what it wanted. And so he has to get put in check without loosing so much work and a part of me I've come to enjoy.

But maybe beating this one is as simple as keeping myself open to feedback and the input of others. Maybe the trick is to recognize him myself and acknowledge he's there. Maybe nurturing others in their authority and confidence the monster meets his match and he's not such a worry anymore. Maybe the answer isn't just in working on me but lifting while climbing. Maybe the trick is to give whatever I can to help those that come behind me have a little easier path than I had. And maybe the answer is that I'm just as lost as anyone else and all the confidence and answers will fade when the facade crumbles in the face of a new trauma; maybe life and experience will slay this one all on its own.