Revisiting

My mind is one of those parts of me that I actually lump into my positives. I turn everything into a rubix cube, I twist and turn facts and ideas until it all clicks into place. For school this has been nothing short of a godsend. I read something and let it roll around for a few hours and boom an essay is ready in my head. Granted sometimes it's meant that some piece hasn't clicked making it doubly difficult for me to discuss something I feel I have no grip on.

I wonder though if sometimes the rubix cube trick isn't bad for me. Not with school stuff but with other things. I'm not impulsive, never have been. Yeah I had a reckless youth but that wasn't impulse stupidity, that was well thought out eyes wide open reckless behavior. But it's not the risk aversion that I see as the main problem. I get focused, too focused even, on events, on people. Thing roll over in my head, over and over. My mind twists every interaction around in an attempt to do with people what I do with ideas. Did I make a good impression? How did that interview go, what are my chances of getting the job? Is she interested in me like that?

I don't think I always make the best first impression. I do however make up for it in the long run, not so great for jobs but great for friends. But as is so often true, I am here to talk about that third area... love. In love both the risk aversion and my rubix cube mind may be a disservice. I'm slow to ask for a number, slow to ask on a date. Sometimes the risk aversion means by the time I'm ready to "ask out" someone we're pretty good friends. Sometimes the risk aversion means by the time I'm ready, the person at the bar is already gone. The solution has to come from my mind, the same place as the problem. Others can drown their brain in liquor, I've found this ineffective at best. The risk aversion is why I'm not good at bars or clubs. The rubix cube is why I'm not so hot with people within my social network.

I have amazing friends. Most people get one or two really awesome people in their lifetime, I get on or two new awesome people almost every year. I've been blessed with super great people in my life all of the time. You want to find the most badass group of people, just collect all my dear friends from over the years in a single room and it's done. I told a friend once that attractive people tend to be friends with attractive people. Because I have so many awesome friends, their friends also tend to be awesome. Dating friends is hard, it risks a friendship often neither is willing to risk. Dating friends of friends is supposed to be the ticket (so I'm told). You're not risking a friendship, and "the worst case scenario" is that scheduling social things becomes a touch more complicated. Sure, my risk aversion still ques. She can still say no, and even the softest turn down stings a little. But social circle means I'm at so much less risk. I can poke people to see what they think, what my chances are. It's a calculated risk, and much like the reckless calculations of youth, knowing is enough for me to leap. But that asking is part of the downside, the rubix cube. I run each moment through my head. Each tone, each gesture, each movement, turns and twists in my head, as though they might reveal some magical answer. Is she more or less touchy with me, what does that mean? Her voice shifts in conversation, is that a good shift or a bad one? She moved from next to me to the other side of the room twice, what does that indicate? And on and on until I've bled dry every moment. As though if I just have enough tea leaves the future will come screaming out of the abyss.

The secondary part of the issue is why I am not good at polyamory/non-monogamy. I fixate. One of the things I find fascinating about ADHD diagnosis is that the lack of attention (focus) also has a hyper focus component. That is to say many children with ADHD either cannot focus at all on the task at hand, or become so focused on the task at hand that task switching becomes nearly impossible. A curious balance of things. Intellectually, non-monogamy makes sense. I can go through the very solid reasoning. It's unreasonable for one person to fulfill all your needs. To ask a single individual to support you physically, emotionally, and intellectually is unreasonable. We're not all looking for the same things from each other. The person I want emotional connection and support from may just want physical affection and release from me. Non-monogamy allows everyone to get what they want from the other person, it opens up a vast well of support. Traditional monogamy restricts in theory only the physical realm allowing for the partners to seek other needs elsewhere.In practice I've found it is more about the level of connection. Monogamous couples often want physical exclusivity and emotional intimacy that is deepest between them. That is to say being more emotionally connected to another is as big an issue as being as physically intimate with them.

But I'm deflecting, avoiding my first train of thought here. I wasn't so good at polamory because I didn't want to be with other people. I get in a relationship and I don't want to be with other people, the desire just evaporates. Interestingly I find this true of others in a relationship, when someone chooses to be in a monogamous relationship I find zero attraction to them, the relationship ends and I'm like "jesus X is attractive, how did I not notice that before". What makes me a good friend, also makes me a great lover. I'm naturally nurturing, the soft calm caring presence that surprises people when they break through my mask only increases as the intimacy increases. I'm good at emotional connection, I love big and I don't withhold (at least not once I open that door). It means the timing of gifts, the gifts themselves, are these targeted missiles that light up the other person's heart. It means I know when to just cuddle on the couch after a long week, I know the impact a little note in the pocket to be found later can have. The problem is in gaining the courage to ask someone to dinner or for their number I tend to cycle through things too long or too much. I find my head rolling over my time spent with them too often or too much. The reality is I need to bite the bullet before I get to that point. Once I feel that rush of desire I should leap. Make my reaction to wanting a number or a dinner date to ask for one, not spend days divining what the answer will be.

Well my head just fizzled out and though this feels unfinished I'm hitting publish anyway.